This past Thursday
night was a life-changer. For me, and for a lot of other people. We were at
Carolina Christian Youth Camp, and just before the service closed on Thursday
evening, one of the adults gave the most honest and transparent testimony I
have ever heard. He stood before about 200 people--most teenagers--and told of
his struggle with pornography. He explained how he'd gotten involved with it,
how he'd had to leave a ministry position because of it, and how he still had
to deal with the effects and guard himself against the temptation. He ended by
proclaiming "I'm not going to do it!" and asked those who would join
him in that resolution regarding their own struggles to stand. One by one,
young people began to stand and testify, many confessing their own weaknesses
and failings. Some told of their own addiction to pornography. Some told of
their struggles with bitterness over abusive fathers. Many simply stood and
wept. Soon there were 70 or 80 young people at the front of the church, weeping
out their brokenness before God. And the testimonies continued: struggles with
addictions and cutting; anger at God for the death of family members;
bitterness over physical and emotional abuse; the anguish of rape and
molestation; hopelessness, fear, rage,
pain. The expression of agony was matched by an outpouring of grace: love,
acceptance, shared tears, embraces, requests for forgiveness. The whole thing was unexpected,
messy, raw, uncontrolled, inappropriate… and amazing.
So now we're trying
to get our heads around what happened. This blog post is part of my attempt to
do just that. It's really easy to point out that it should have been handled
differently, and it probably should. Much of what was shared would have been more
appropriate in a smaller, gender-specific setting. There should have been an
organized way of following up with the young people. There should have been
counselors available to deal with the issues. There should have been lots of
things. I suspect that there won't be any shortage of people saying this and
more, and they have some good points. In the future I'm sure the camp leaders
will be more prepared. I spent a few hours with them the next day, I listened
to their hearts, and they are concerned with how to improve. How to be more
effective and appropriate. But frankly, they are more concerned with helping
young people than with maintaining their image. And I sure can't fault that.
In other words, I cannot blame the camp leaders for what happened.
For decades, the church--and not just the CHM--has created an atmosphere
in which certain things are NOT to be discussed. The youth retreats, camps, and
Youth Challenges that I have attended have pretty consistently done a
presentation on sex, and the message is, "Don't do it." But I have
never heard anyone talk about how to deal with addictions, what to do about
being molested, where to turn if you're struggling with homosexuality, how to
cope with pain so incredible that it overwhelms your entire life. We don't want
to acknowledge that these things happen in our churches and homes, and so these
topics are taboo. Off limits. And Thursday night, that taboo was shattered. It
was messy, unorganized, and inappropriate. But if there is blame, the majority
of it has to go to the churches and families that have created the taboo. We
have not allowed our young people to openly deal with the garbage that has been
dumped on them. We have given the impression, if not actually taught, that the
important thing is to be "a good kid," and if you're struggling with
issues, just give them to God and it'll be fine. But Thursday night, there was
suddenly this safe zone, this moment when it was OK to be human, to hurt, to
struggle, to fail. And the reality came out.
So let's let the
camp leaders figure out how to deal with the situation more effectively in the
future. How to be more
"appropriate." For the rest of us, we need to learn from this. I hope
this lesson reverberates across the movement: WAKE UP!!! Our safe, protected
church is not so safe and protected. These were not inner-city ghetto kids.
These were our kids, and our kids are in agony. Our kids are dealing with junk
they should never have to. And we have not given them the support, the safety,
the unconditional acceptance they desperately need. We will answer to God for the hundreds or
thousands of kids whose search for genuine love and acceptance have led them
away from us, away from the church, and even away from God. May God forgive us.
And may God give us the strength and courage to declare, "Never
again." Never again will a young man have to search for a safe zone,
because I will provide it. Never again will a young woman have to turn to
immorality to feel loved, because I will love her appropriately and
unconditionally. Never again will a teenager have to search for honesty,
because I will have the courage to be honest. Never again will a victim have to
hide his or her pain, because I will help bear it. It's time to wake up, man
up, and dare to be the difference!
Great thoughts, SteveO. Beware: if you put yourself out there, people will come. They'll share. You'll both hurt. And you'll feel a sense of community and authenticity rarely experienced now-a-days.
ReplyDeleteAndrew
christiancounselingadvice@gmail.com
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this blog Steve! I'm so glad our oldest son and I were both there. Not only was some of what was shared new "information" to my child but I had to answer some questions and do some explaining after...but I wouldn't take away anything he heard, even if I could. This is real life, these are real problems that our young people are facing, these are real things that are happening to them.
ReplyDeleteSticking our heads in the sand doesn't change a thing, pretending these issues aren't a problem in the CHM doesn't change a thing, continuing to ignore that this is a serious issue is only making it worse.
How you described that evening was perfect..."The whole thing was unexpected, messy, raw, uncontrolled, inappropriate"....and as a parent who was there, as was my 14 year old child, I wouldn't change a thing.
Extremely timely, needed, and well-stated, Steve.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we don't have all the answers, but we cannot begin to search for them until we know the questions, the issues.
You are right...there will be attempts to make it better organized, and be prepared to deal with the stuff that comes out...but I hope "they" never let it become so organized that the Spirit and Spontaneity cannot operate.
They spoke and opened up because it was a free atmosphere, and it was the Listening Ear they needed most.
God bless you.
I'm afraid God has to use pretty heavy tactics to get us aware of our needs and give us the inspiration to prepare ourselves for our responsibilities to others. I've taken some pretty hard lessons many times in life because I was so tied up with living that I wasn't paying attention to the "still, small voice" of Christ. God bless your efforts to keep in step with Him.
ReplyDeleteHi, my name is Brent. I am writing you because I think this post is so important and it speaks to me in so many ways. You may think my comment to be controversial and maybe even inappropriate but I hope that you will give it credence and at least take the time to think about it. I am not coming from a place of resentment or hatred. I am coming from a place of love and desire to find peace, understanding, justice, honesty and healing.
ReplyDeleteI am not a religious person, though I am very spiritual. One of the reasons I have not formed an attachment with the religion I was born into is explained perfectly in your description of what happened at this camp. The taboos. I happen to embody many things that the church looks down upon and I refuse to believe that I am a bad person or that I somehow deserve punishment for those things or that I should change myself. So I don’t go to church. But many people do. And as you have so brutally realized through this experience, many people suffer. They suffer not only because they have experienced and continue to experience very difficult challenges and injustices in their lives but they suffer because the very people and institutions they pledge allegiance to, seek support from and invest all of their love in, do not give them the tools they need to face those challenges and injustices because they refuse to accept these as being real or legitimate or “appropriate”.
As you said, you have “never heard anyone talk about how to deal with addictions, what to do about being molested, where to turn if you're struggling with homosexuality, how to cope with pain so incredible that it overwhelms your entire life”. I can only hope that you can see that the very way the church responds to those things traditionally is what has caused people to suffer in silence in the first place. This culture of sexual negativity and fear is what causes people to do drugs, physically and sexually abuse each other, walk away from the church and ultimately live in pain and suffering.
I know that some churches are not ready to change their views on certain issues but some are and I wonder if yours is. What if you would begin advocating as a church for youth in your community to receive comprehensive sexual health education that does not demonize people for having sexual desires but that simply gives them ALL of the information they need in order to make wise and informed decisions that will help them keep safe and stay healthy?
Research has shown that young people who have received a sex-positive form of sexual health education actually have their first sexual experience later in their life compared to those who have received abstinence only education. Teenage pregnancy rates are lower. Incidences of sexual abuse are lower. Rates for sexually transmitted diseases are lower.. and the list goes on.
I work in sexual health education and the Catholic school system where I come from does not let us into their schools. I feel sad for the young people in those schools who will receive the message that their thoughts are wrong, that they are not worthy of god’s love because of who they love, that they will be punished or shamed if they speak up. I worry about those youth who will go on to grow into adults feeling ashamed and go on to hurt themselves and others around them as a way to deal.
I am curious to hear about how your community intends on responding to what happened and what you are now aware of. I am curious and would love to hear more.
Thanks for listening.
With love, Brent
Brent,
DeleteMy response is long, so I have to break it into two replies. I appreciate your weighing in on this. Yes, your thoughts are controversial but not inappropriate. When we, either as individuals or as churches, begin wrestling with some of these really tough issues, we have to realize that there are multiple views out there as to the best approach. While it sounds like we are both passionate about and strongly believe in what we are trying to do, it also sounds like we have some basic differences in our worldviews and approaches.
Let me quote some statements that I agree with, as well as some that I do not: "As you have so brutally realized through this experience, many people suffer. They suffer not only because they have experienced and continue to experience very difficult challenges and injustices in their lives but they suffer because the very people and institutions they pledge allegiance to, seek support from and invest all of their love in, do not give them the tools they need to face those challenges and injustices..." You are right--often those who should provide a safe place, don't. Sometimes they, either through silence or even through active participation in abuse, make the problem worse. I see it in many churches--the widespread Catholic child abuse scandal is perhaps the best known but far from the only one--but it also happens in other religions and secular organizations--Penn State, for example.
But to finish quoting you: "...because they refuse to accept these as being real or legitimate or 'appropriate'." This creates a false dilemma. The way you phrased it assumes that there are only two choices: reject the people involv ed as evil (eg., the Westboro Baptist approach) or accept the activity as good (your approach). I would suggest that the correct approach is a more difficult middle road: accept the person while rejecting the behavior.
Again, you wrote: "The very way the church responds to those things traditionally is what has caused people to suffer in silence in the first place." Agreed, though I certainly wouldn't limit it to the church. There are many unchurched families and organizations that have responded to those things in a way that has caused further suffering.
But again, to continue the quote: "This culture of sexual negativity and fear is what causes people to do drugs, physically and sexually abuse each other, walk away from the church and ultimately live in pain and suffering." If I understand you correctly, you are saying that sexual restraints are the root cause of addictions, physical and sexual abuse, and lives of pain and suffering. If that is indeed what you are saying, then I have to disagree very strongly. While this is not the area of my training, I believe that Freud taught that frustrated sexual desires are at the root of most (maybe all?) psychological and emotional problems, but there are many experts who oppose that view.
I am not familiar with the specific statistics regarding sexual education to which you refer, but I do know that statistics can often be skewed by the way they are obtained or by varying methods of interpretation. I will freely admit that this happens on both sides of the debate (of nearly any debate, for that matter), so I will not directly respond to these beyond expressing a healthy skepticism.
You wrote: "I feel sad for the young people in those schools who will receive the message... that they are not worthy of [G]od’s love because of who they love, that they will be punished or shamed if they speak up. I worry about those youth who will go on to grow into adults feeling ashamed and go on to hurt themselves and others around them as a way to deal." Agreed. But again, you are making the mistake of assuming that rejecting the behavior is rejecting the individual. I should note that none of us are worthy of God's love, regardless of how good we are or how well we behave. God loves us because of who He is, not because of who we are.
DeleteI could certainly continue interacting with your comments and expanding on many of my responses, but this is probably not the forum for an extensive, detailed discussion of the differences between a secular or Freudian view of sex and psychology (not trying to assume you are Freudian, but that's the impression I'm getting) and the biblical view. I will say in closing that the sort of shift in worldview that you are enquiring about is not happening. Taking your view on the issue would require a complete abandonment of many basic biblical teachings. For example, I strongly accept the doctrine of biblical infallibility, and so since Scripture clearly condemns homosexuality, I cannot accept it as appropriate behavior. At the same time, I stongly accept the doctrine that Christ died for all mankind, so I cannot reject or look down on someone who is experiencing same sex attraction. Accept the person, reject the behavior. Those who identify themselves very closely with or by their behavior will have a hard time understanding this concept, but this is my view.
What I am passionately arguing for is that we as a church and as individuals become more open about these issues, so that those who are struggling with serious life issues--and not just sexual issues--have the freedom to be open about their struggles and to receive the help they desperately need. I believe that God wants the church to be a major source of strength and healing for these young people and adults, but I certainly do not believe that this healing will come through abandoning His principles and commands.
Steve
Steve,
ReplyDeleteMy brother was at this camp, and experienced a powerful life changing movement of the Spirit. I am very grateful for that and also for your excellent account of the events.
Your comments are also, in my view, right on. With family heavily involved in the Christian Holiness Movement, I can bear witness to the problems you addressed. These topics need to be discussed and dealt with in a Biblical, Christ-honoring way.
There is an excellent book that relates to these issues which I would recommend to you. The book is "Sex is Not the Problem: Lust Is" by Joshua Harris. It was formerly titled "Not Even a Hint", but the publishers changed the name for some reason. It addresses lust/sexual issues mainly, but on a broader scale it deals with how to live a life controlled by the Spirit instead of the flesh. I'd encourage you to read it and use it in your ministry. (Not above the Scriptures of course.)
Again, thanks for this. Perhaps we will have the chance to meet sometime. God bless!
Jarod
As a deeply committed Christ-follower who is practicing as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (candidate), I am responding to what happened at CCYC out of a deep sense of awe, and at the same time, a sense of concern, not for what happened, but concern for where we will go from here.
ReplyDeleteI am concerned that historically in the CHM, when it comes to the messiness of trauma, abuse and addiction, it seems at times we have taken the position – not in my backyard. Whether it be as in “abuse, addiction, same-sex attraction, self-injury (fill in the blank) is not in my family/church” or as in “I know it's probably here but I don't want/know how to deal with it.” The results are the same – we begin to hide behind our masks of perfection and use theological reasoning to point them to God. Our hope is this will “fix it.” It won't. It may even make matters worse.
My focus as a counselor is working with those who have experienced trauma and abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual) and/or addiction and the resulting shame that is experienced at a level so deep that the individual's sense of “who I am” and “who God is” becomes altered. The sense of self is shattered, and the individual is no longer able to identify their needs or how to have their needs met, including the need to belong. The wounded individual then attempts to meet those basic human needs in inappropriate ways. In such an environment God feels unsafe. The God of love and mercy becomes solely the dictator of judgment and condemnation. And we believe we will never be ”good enough.”
In the midst of this brokenness, these individuals, especially our youth, are desperately seeking a safe place where they can be real and not be judged - a place where there are no masks. They seek a place to experience relentless grace and be changed by it. A place where they are met, not with a scowl and an upturned nose, but with love, warmth and positive regard for who they are - a person with value and worth as created in the image of God.
Where do we go from here? I believe the proper response is for the leaders to become educated about abuse and addiction. The leaders can then educate the parents. This is perhaps the only way the cycle of abuse and addiction can be broken.
Count me in. I'm OK with getting messy. Because the reality is it is in my backyard.
Rebecca Miller, LPC, CSAT (Candidate)